Radiohead and the planes flying above.

I'm listening to Radiohead right now and letting them express my feelings. It's just crazy how much shit you get hit with in life. But its amazing how you can get up and say, "didn't hurt." I find myself blogging at my best times and my worst times. Sometimes just being silent is best when being attacked by a loved one. I just got attacked by my wife about bills and supposedly returning to my own ways. I take a look at her comments and I take a deeper look within myself. I am doing good at my job and am working on more contract work. I attend my celebrate recovery meetings and am still going to AA every once in a while. I'm starting to workout again and am making proactive movements in my life. I've accepted who I am and continue to fight to become a better person everyday. If I began to slag, sometimes I get depressed. But I'm finding myself getting up faster every time. I'm truly at piece with myself because I know that know matter what, my happiness comes from me. Mistakes that others make I can give grace and try to fix but when it comes to me being a bigger person... I'm getting better at not Attacking because Ive been attacked. As I sit in my backyard and watch airplanes fly over and look at the moon peek through the clouds Im evaluating myself. All things that were a block in my life are still there. I'm just jumping over them or moving around them.

Staying alive and not taking your own crap anymore

When I first started this blog, I was around the middle of a huge metamorphosis in my life. I had begun to understand myself and began to finally understand the full picture and discover where the pieces went all together. I began to understand myself, where I am strong..... and where I am weak. I have had enough rejection and failure in my life to expect it. But where I am suppost to give up, I find I need to keep going. Finish what I start and you know what, it feels good. There's nothing wrong with being a person of many things as long as you still finish at some point all the things you start. I am truly myself and I am truly unique in my own way. I'm me and no one else's besides God.  Not taking crap anymore from myself opens a door but it needs to be done in a well conducted way. Not getting upset and letting my anger take hold of me but knowing how to keep myself and not become someone else's. Abstinence to all and every input that controls me are pulls my feelings. No longer being a consumer of more than I produce. That's my happy place.

Getting back on track

Ok, so when I woke up this morning, I went to the bathroom and stepped on the scale and didn't like what I saw. I was 240 lbs. and I like to be somewhere in the 200-215 range but worst, I could feel it. How did I get here? Well for one, I've been in recovery for the past 86 days, 11 hours, 14 minutes and 20 seconds. It's had its ups and its downs but I definitely see the quality of my life increasing as I continue on with my journey. One thing that came with my recovery is hunger, a hunger for all things that taste good. So I found myself eating everything in sight and with no thoughts of the consequences because those of using again seemed so much worse. I'm one of those people who has a large wardrobe of clothes if I must say so yet somehow it began to slowly get smaller and smaller. What was happening? It didn't hit me until a pair of pants that I had worn a week before all of sudden at a much tighter fit. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my belly protruding out of my shirt and I thought about how old I was. Being 28, I should be in my prime and I am now more so since I have kicked the drug habit. I had become complacent in many ways. I use to avidly pursue business and opportunities but over the past 2 years, I haven't been there mentally all the way. When you are battling something and making changes in your life, everything that you got used to needed to be thrown off balance and destroyed to be rebuilt on a better foundation. My Resurrection, rising from the ashes. When I read the proverb of the day Proverbs 27:12 stuck out to me. A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge; but the simple pass on, and suffer for it. I was the simple for way too long, I had let my good qualities and arrogance lead me down a path of the destruction of my life and the negativity had began to sink in. That's why finally today I started to blog again. I have been working on other forms of structure in my life such as building my relationship with God, going to AA and CR, working on projects of creativity and getting my passion back for life but without keeping a daily journal I wouldn't have a way to express myself in words or reflect onto something that I could see everyday and go back to if I wanted. I wanted to push myself further. So I worked out today and now, Bam! I'm back blogging just for today. Its another tool in my recovery.